Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
