you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
