Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
