YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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