I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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