when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
vagina is talking i cant
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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