If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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