During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize