Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
