my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize