If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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