i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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