My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
