the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
