Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize