I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
