I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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