My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
