final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have tasted many bathrooms
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
