I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
