Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
