Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
