and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
