I accidentally had phone sex last night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
