coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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