That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
