Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
