we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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