I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
