2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
