i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
