Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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