Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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