I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
