Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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