what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
