i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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