just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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