im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
