So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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