living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
