I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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