It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
