Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
