dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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