dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize