This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
