five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
