At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
