I'm passing your future prison.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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