Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
