I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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