that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
