Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
