I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
