yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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