Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
