i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
